Bill
I like Stevie as a substitute
May 13, 2024
I like Stevie as a substitute
May 13, 2024
Handling
So I have a substance addiction. Sugar, to be specific.
Yeah, yeah, cry me a freakin’ river. It’s just sugar. Lots of people could stand to eat a little healthier; what’s the big deal? There are worse things you could be hooked on. I’m not even overweight. And a lot of people (including myself) would even suggest I “need” the calories for all the running and biking I do.
But let me give you an idea of a typical workday:
My place of work has four “workrooms,” which serve as a room for doing general-purpose class prep (making copies, etc.) and also a lunch/break room. I’m one of the only people who routinely uses all four of them.
Upstairs D Hall: Closest to my own classroom, I usually have lunch there.
Upstairs C Hall: The one closest to most science teachers, so we hang out as a team there sometimes.
Downstairs D Hall: Where I leave my bike in the morning (and change into slacks), since it doesn’t involve carrying a bike upstairs.
Downstairs C Hall: Where everyone is supposed to have meetings with instructional coaches.
I help myself to the free coffee every day. I don’t even like coffee. I only get coffee so I can put sugar in it. I tell myself, “I’m getting coffee for a little extra energy, so I’ll teach class more enthusiastically; I’m doing it to be a better teacher!” But I know I’m not. I tell myself this even while fully understanding I’m only drinking it for the sugar.
I don’t add sugar, because that way I can reassure myself, “No really, I’m not doing it for the sugar!” Instead, I put a ton of creamer in it, while telling myself, “I’m just trying to make it milky/creamy to take out the bitter taste.” But in reality, it’s because creamer is loaded with sugar.
Nearly every day, someone in the building brings donuts, or cookies, or muffins or something, and leaves them in a workroom. So if you go to all four workrooms, you’ll find sugar. After leaving my bike in downstairs D Hall, if there’s not sugar there, I’ll go to another workroom “for coffee,” but I’m really looking for sugar. If there’s no sugar, I’ll get a cup of water, then try another workroom. I don’t want people to know I’m prowling all over the school looking for sugar, so I make it look like I’m only there for water or coffee.
Once I’ve found the sugar (about 80% of the time, I find some), I take one cookie/donut/whatever. Just one. I don’t want anyone to know I’m going to have more than one. I tell myself it’s OK to have just one, even though I know it’s never just one.
I always have 2nd period off. Guess where I go to get some work done?
“No, I’m not going there for the sugar; I only want a change of scenery. I want to get out of my windowless, echo-y lab room for an hour.” That's all true, but it’s really for the sugar. When I first get there, I have another cookie. And by the end of the hour, another. I might also have another sugar-loaded coffee.
Guess where I go for lunch? That’s cookie/donut #4. And no one saw me take more than one.
After I’ve had one, my brain immediately goes, “...and another one!” The urge to have the second and third one is even stronger than the first. I can’t get a small fix and be satisfied. Once I have any, I lose all self-control.
After school, if there are any left, another. Maybe two more if no one’s looking; this is my last chance, after all. By the end of the day, I’ve had 2,000+ calories, almost entirely made up of sugar, with some saturated fat thrown in, and basically nothing else. No protein, no iron, no fiber, almost nothing but sugar. I don’t bring lunch to school because I know I’m going to eat too much, even without one. Then I ride my bike home and eat a salad and an orange.
At home, I eat healthy. I don’t have any sugar at home, and it’s easy to resist in the grocery store. At the store, you only have to resist the idea of eating sugar later, which always sounds like a good plan anyway. And you’re saving money by not buying it! But when there are multiple boxes full of sweets right there, in front of you now, and they’re free, and someone brought them for you, it’s a lot harder.
Is anyone truly free of addiction? When we hear the word “addiction,” we immediately think of illicit substances, but some people are addicted to their job, to money, “things,” attention, TV/entertainment, social media, sugar (me), coffee, their kids, their hobbies (me again), their phones, and so on. We all have our vices; some are healthier than others. Maybe it’s not about conquering addiction, but rather choosing an addiction you can live with. Sometimes it’s easier to substitute one behavior for another instead of stopping entirely.
An addiction becomes a problem once it affects or interferes with other parts of your life. Until then, one might say it’s not truly an addiction; it’s only an infatuation or a strong interest. I’ve described my running/biking habit as a “behavioral addiction,” but it’s debatable whether or not it had any detrimental effect. Yes, it’s taken over my life a time or two, but is that a problem? Is there anything wrong with a life consisting of running 30 km/day, doing floor exercises and stretches for hours, and cooking lots of stir-fry? If it makes you happy, why not?
My current relationship with sugar qualifies as a problem. Trying to hide it, wanting to stop, and rationalizing behavior are all strong signs of a genuine addiction, as well as the effect on every aspect of my life. I find myself distracted from work and unable to concentrate on anything when I’m craving a fix. I probably waste 30-40 minutes/day at work, wandering the building searching for sugar.
But it’s not only the lost productivity; my general mental state has deteriorated. I’m out-of-shape, and I’m unhappy. I don’t like what I’ve made myself into, and I know it’s my own fault. I’m the one who did this to myself, and I’m the one who’s refused to stop.
Ironically, eating more makes me exercise less. After eating garbage all day, my insides feel so bad, I often skip runs and bike rides I’d otherwise thoroughly enjoy. Which is a shame, because burning those empty calories is one of the only things you can do to fix the problem, at least after the fact. My response to the problem only makes the problem worse. By giving up things I enjoy, I get even more unhappy, and since I’m the one making those choices, I sink further into self-loathing.
This is only compounded by working a thankless job and living alone. The only people with which I routinely interact are my students, and if I’m doing my job correctly, they’re frequently annoyed with or mad at me. When I get home, there’s no one there to say, “Hang in there, champ. You’re one of the good ones, and you’re important to me.” The only time anyone talks to me is when they want something.
As mentioned in a previous post, I’d had the goal to drop to the historically accurate weight of a Pony Express Rider before hitting the trail. Instead, I’m 9 kg (20 lbs) heavier. On a guy who’s only 165 cm (5’5”), that’s a lot. That’s more than the combined weight of everything I’m carrying on the bike, including the clothes on my back. If I simply put down the cookies, it’d be like riding a bike with no luggage at all. That’s an enormous difference!
Not only does less weight obviously make it easier to climb hills, there are a ton of other added benefits to being a lightweight cyclist:
- Accelerating is easier
- Cornering/handling is easier (important for mountain biking)
- Shorter braking distance
- Better aerodynamics
- Less sore butt
- Less sore hands
- Easier to stay cool in hot weather
- Knee problems less likely (as well as other overuse injuries)
- Less out-of-breath (fewer cells in need of oxygen)
- Less dehydrated (fewer cells in need of water)
- Less caloric deficit (fewer cells in need of nutrients)
People pay hundreds of dollars to lower the weight of their bike by only half a kilo (1 pound), and I could've accomplished that twenty times over, for free, only by maintaining healthy habits which I should've done anyway. Hills and headwind are often considered the most difficult things a touring cyclist has to deal with, followed by soreness and heat. Staying lean and mean helps with all of them!
When your original plans don’t work out, that doesn’t mean give up. That means make new plans.
Instead of developing healthy habits for the ride, the plan is now to do it on the ride. It’s not like there are gonna be boxes of free donuts sitting around in the Nevada desert. Resisting temptation is easier when there aren’t any.
As I see it, there are four main goals which need to be met:
Goal 1 - Physically stay away from sugar entirely until I’ve detoxed.
Goal 2 - Know there’s sugar somewhere nearby without seeking it out.
Goal 3 - See sugar, but not have any.
Goal 4 - Sometimes, but not every time, have one cookie and that’s it.
Riding the Pony Express is a perfect opportunity to accomplish Goal 1.
It’s embarrassing for an ultramarathon champion to say this stuff aloud, but it’s important. Unhealthy habits can strike anyone. No one is immune from the effects of bad choices. If you’re dealing with this kind of problem, you’re not alone. The flipside is also true; if an off-and-on substance addict can make themself into a record-setting athlete, imagine what you can do!
It’s never too late. Be the best version of yourself.
June
